It will all work out.

I'm not sure when I acquired this trait of showing no weakness, but I hate it.

I want to live in the present! I want that SO bad. It's the hardest task I've ever come across.

I'm always planning for way to far ahead, and worrying about things that won't even matter.

Today, I choose to live in the present.

I'm only 21 years young, I have a degree, my dream job, and the man of my dreams as my husband. I have a super sweet mom who would do anything for me that I asked, and the same goes for Terry.

I have an amazing life to enjoy, not attain. 

I'm only 21. I'm only 21. I'm only 21.

I have time, time to get a house, time to have kids, time to spend with my family.

I'm only one person, but living is so much more than the effort of one person.

Stay calm, be happy, it will all work out.

I remember.

I remember that feeling of wasted time.
I remember that feeling of hopelessness
I remember feeling,
hearing
seeing
smelling
tasting
my heart break.
Everything, gone. In an instant, gone.

All of my hopes and dreams, my aspirations, my hard work crashed on my heart.
I broke.
I broke down and cried.
I broke away and hid.
I was down to something, someone, I did not want to be stripped down to . . .myself.

Scared, alone, and regretful.

It was in that time, I lived.
Not just survived, I thrived!

I didn't "pick up the pieces."
I didn't "get back on the horse."

I just lived.

I loved, I hated, I dared, I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and how I wanted.

In the moment when I was being most me, and only me, I found me.
Only this was really the me I had never seen, whole, unbroken, happy.
One whole human.

I thought was too good to be true.
I still do, and always will.

He is more than I could ever have dreamed.

Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

I know I'm a few weeks early, but Terry and I discussed the Christmas story deeply after church tonight.
There are some things that I just need to say so that I will grasp it all.

We read Matthew 1:16-25 KJV

¹⁶And Jacob begat Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus, who is called Christ.

 ¹⁷So all the generations from Abraham to David are fourteen generations; and from David until the carrying away into Babylon are fourteen generations; and from the carrying away into Babylon unto Christ are fourteen generations.

 ¹⁸Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost.

 ¹⁹Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not willing to make her a public example, was minded to put her away privily.

 ²⁰But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the LORD appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost.

 ²¹And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name JESUS: for he shall save his people from their sins.

 ²²Now all this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the Lord by the prophet, saying,

 ²³Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel, which being interpreted is, God with us.

 ²⁴Then Joseph being raised from sleep did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him, and took unto him his wife:

 ²⁵And knew her not till she had brought forth her firstborn son: and he called his name JESUS.

There are so many things that just get taken at face value with this story that we've read and heard year after year, but the humanity of it presented itself to me today.
Mary and Joseph were REAL people. They woke up in the morning, worked, and did things just like we do.

That is something I really need to let sink in, that this is something that happened, to REAL people, it isn't just a story.

Mary was pregnant before she was married, which IS still frowned upon by parts of society, but WAS punishable by death.  DEATH!

How crazy did people think she was when she told her fiance that she was pregnant with a baby, who wasn't his? And she said it was the son of God.

How crazy did he seem for staying with her, fighting for her life to keep her and her son?

I have never really thought of Joseph as a strong man, but God chose him to be the male role model in Jesus' life as a human.

Jesus is perfect, and Joseph had to be the one that raised Him.  Could you imagine that pressure? If Joseph messed up, would Jesus need to rebuke him? And I'm sure he felt pressure in the fact that his wife, Mary, was so righteous that God chose her to endure the ridicule and persecution of society to have His baby.

I don't want to go through this month listening to countless Christmas songs, not digging deeper into the meaning of Christmas, the 1st Christmas.

If you read all the way through this, and something that you've never seen or thought of before struck you, comment and share it with me, please.