It will all work out.

I'm not sure when I acquired this trait of showing no weakness, but I hate it.

I want to live in the present! I want that SO bad. It's the hardest task I've ever come across.

I'm always planning for way to far ahead, and worrying about things that won't even matter.

Today, I choose to live in the present.

I'm only 21 years young, I have a degree, my dream job, and the man of my dreams as my husband. I have a super sweet mom who would do anything for me that I asked, and the same goes for Terry.

I have an amazing life to enjoy, not attain. 

I'm only 21. I'm only 21. I'm only 21.

I have time, time to get a house, time to have kids, time to spend with my family.

I'm only one person, but living is so much more than the effort of one person.

Stay calm, be happy, it will all work out.

I remember.

I remember that feeling of wasted time.
I remember that feeling of hopelessness
I remember feeling,
hearing
seeing
smelling
tasting
my heart break.
Everything, gone. In an instant, gone.

All of my hopes and dreams, my aspirations, my hard work crashed on my heart.
I broke.
I broke down and cried.
I broke away and hid.
I was down to something, someone, I did not want to be stripped down to . . .myself.

Scared, alone, and regretful.

It was in that time, I lived.
Not just survived, I thrived!

I didn't "pick up the pieces."
I didn't "get back on the horse."

I just lived.

I loved, I hated, I dared, I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and how I wanted.

In the moment when I was being most me, and only me, I found me.
Only this was really the me I had never seen, whole, unbroken, happy.
One whole human.

I thought was too good to be true.
I still do, and always will.

He is more than I could ever have dreamed.

Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

I know I'm a few weeks early, but Terry and I discussed the Christmas story deeply after church tonight.
There are some things that I just need to say so that I will grasp it all.

We read Matthew 1:16-25 KJV

¹⁶And Jacob begat Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus, who is called Christ.

 ¹⁷So all the generations from Abraham to David are fourteen generations; and from David until the carrying away into Babylon are fourteen generations; and from the carrying away into Babylon unto Christ are fourteen generations.

 ¹⁸Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost.

 ¹⁹Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not willing to make her a public example, was minded to put her away privily.

 ²⁰But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the LORD appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost.

 ²¹And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name JESUS: for he shall save his people from their sins.

 ²²Now all this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the Lord by the prophet, saying,

 ²³Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel, which being interpreted is, God with us.

 ²⁴Then Joseph being raised from sleep did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him, and took unto him his wife:

 ²⁵And knew her not till she had brought forth her firstborn son: and he called his name JESUS.

There are so many things that just get taken at face value with this story that we've read and heard year after year, but the humanity of it presented itself to me today.
Mary and Joseph were REAL people. They woke up in the morning, worked, and did things just like we do.

That is something I really need to let sink in, that this is something that happened, to REAL people, it isn't just a story.

Mary was pregnant before she was married, which IS still frowned upon by parts of society, but WAS punishable by death.  DEATH!

How crazy did people think she was when she told her fiance that she was pregnant with a baby, who wasn't his? And she said it was the son of God.

How crazy did he seem for staying with her, fighting for her life to keep her and her son?

I have never really thought of Joseph as a strong man, but God chose him to be the male role model in Jesus' life as a human.

Jesus is perfect, and Joseph had to be the one that raised Him.  Could you imagine that pressure? If Joseph messed up, would Jesus need to rebuke him? And I'm sure he felt pressure in the fact that his wife, Mary, was so righteous that God chose her to endure the ridicule and persecution of society to have His baby.

I don't want to go through this month listening to countless Christmas songs, not digging deeper into the meaning of Christmas, the 1st Christmas.

If you read all the way through this, and something that you've never seen or thought of before struck you, comment and share it with me, please.

Friends forever.

"Friendship is when people know all about you but like you anyway." -Unknown

This is why I take an emotional beating from you.
YOU.
I can never blame you though.  I need to try harder to understand you more, love you more, care for you more.
I am at fault.
                  I guess.

I will never stop. Even though it causes me pain, leaving you or losing you would cause greater pain.
                  At least, that's what I tell myself.

Friends forever.
Even if you didn't mean it. . .

                                   I did.

Dating My Husband.

Tonight was SO awesome! Terry, my husband (; , made a "romantic" dinner, there were place mats, cloth napkins, and a candle stick- WITH a "romantic music" cd.
YEAH.
THAT.JUST.HAPPENED.

I made cookies. They were delicious.  He made a 98 cent box of pasta taste like it came from a five star restaurant.  I just can't explain in words how amazing this date was, I mean, seriously, it sounds super cheesy but in reality it was FANTASTIC.

I HOPE and PRAY this never ends.

I love my job. I LOVE my job. I love my job?

How is this "job" a job? I don't "work."

My job is to have fun, play music, promote tasty food, and just a bunch of other fun things like laughing.

I hope that I always love my job. I am so happy to have it. I don't even feel like I work, ever.

I love this feeling, and I never want it to end.

Friends.

I am amazed at how amazing my friends are.
As mine and Terry's wedding day nears, more and more friends are showing how much they love us.
I don't want to ask too much of anyone, and seriously, I am just in awe of how much people want and will do for us.


Here's to you friends! *cheers (with my energy drink)*

Extreme Coupons.

I am a fan, a true blue fan, of Extreme Couponing on TLC. I watch the shows right when they premiere, I watch the previews online, I research their methods, it is sickening.

Today while shopping in HEB I had an epiphany that discredited the practice of extreme couponing. At least for me.

The whole practice of extreme couponing is get as many groceries as possible without paying.  The lower percentage you pay for, the better. Let's ask ourselves what are the affects of this?

A hit TV show.
Discounted groceries for the extreme couponer.
Food stocked up for their family for at least a couple of months.
Sometimes, and only sometimes, a charitable giving of their extras to the poor, or others in need.
Perhaps some more that I am missing.

Another question to be asked is, why do they extreme coupon?

They need groceries, who doesn't?
They need to pay a small amount for the groceries.
There are other deeper reasons, but those are not for me to diagnose.

Now let's ask ourselves how extreme couponing affects "us," the people who don't extreme coupon, but might occasionally coupon.

This practice causes coupon policies to get more and more confusing, to the point where there is no time for many people to even bother.

It could cause for prices to be higher because companies lose money when their product doesn't get paid for.  Many extreme couponers urge people to extreme coupon, but there is no way that everyone could, or they would do away with coupons. The companies would lose so much money, they would have to cut back labor and or production.

A true "extreme couponer," in my opinion, is someone who spends a set amount of money that they can afford on the items they need/want, and don't cause harm to others by doing so.  Getting by on what you have, and not stalking up the entire grocery store for tomorrow. Sure, use coupons, use them to your hearts content, but don't make it harder for the rest of us who don't have time to extreme coupon, or are too poor to print out coupons. Seriously.

I used to admire extreme couponers, but that admiration was amiss.
I admire people who chose the job they love over the job that makes the extra money. 
I admire people who do what they want, when they want, without going crazy.
I admire people who get by on minimum wages and less than minimum living, happily. 

How to be poor.

Alright, so I've never been poor in my life that I can remember.
Of course there were hard times when I was a kid, but I never really cared that we were driving a stolen car and eating Helper minus the Hamburger. We were the cool kids whose dad brought home a Corvette one week, and "after he got tired of that one" a monster truck.

This shows me that the only way to be cool poor people is to become criminals. I feel as if this is not exactly the right path for us at the moment.

I need help, figuring out how to be poor. What do I buy? What can I go without?
My problem is that I can't "do nothing." I have to be doing something, whether that is cooking, crafting, reading, shopping, I just have to be busy.

Each of those things cost money. Yes, I own a keyboard and a guitar, yes I could spend more time on them, but sometimes I just get bored of doing the same thing all day.

I need help, please, someone, ANYONE! Teach me how to be poor.

The Time is Here.

Well my dedicated blog followers, the time has come.
I have been whining, bracking, worrying- whatever you want to call it, on here for the past several months.
But the time is now.
I am out of school, officially, technically, all of the above.
I am an adult.
I pay bills!

I have an awesome job, and another new job starting on Monday.
I have time to do stuff--and just as I suspected, not having homework IS all that it is cracked up to be.

In the past three days I have watched Glee, window shopped, gotten a haircut, and so many more leisurely activities-without feeling guilty!

Times are good.

Patent Pending.

I hate pants.
I hate clothes.
I hate nudity.

Pants have benefits.
Clothes have benefits.
Nudity has benefits

Can I propose a new product which I am SURE will sell:
A patch of the softest, durable fabric to go between my womanly thighs...
Sweat absorbent cloth to go wherever sweat presents itself on my body...
Slimming, because NO ONE in the world is fat...so we all must strive to look or be skinny...
oh, and in "my color."

Patent Pending.

Happy.

I am a happy person, and this blog tends to be where I go when something frustrates me.

I do not want to set up a false view of me in the rather dim lime light this gives me.

I attempt to replace the phrase "I'll be happy when..." in my life. It was the best advice I've ever taken.

I have a glorious life,

....but doesn't everyone.

Love ya

Love ya.
Luv u.
<3 you.

It is: I love you.
Don't say it, unless you mean it.
It is not wrong to love people!
It is not wrong to say: I love you!
Stop hiding behind text language and be a sincere person.
It isn't becoming.

BAHHHHHHHHHH.

Grandma, get OUT of the bedroom so the bear can hibernate to it's cave.
-->stop cleaning THE DETERGENT and get out of my way!

Mommy's boy, failure, get OUT of my thoughts, I want to avenge myself, if that it is even possible.
-->I thought you ruined my life, but now that I realize you didn't, I want to see you suffer the way you made me.

I am NOT sensitive. Even if I am, is there really a problem with that?! Maybe you are just cold and heartless.
-->I almost wish I were sensitive. Emotions are controlled. Maybe if you would shut your trap for one minute you'd see that life is not all peaches for everyone, probably not for anyone.

Get over your daddy drama. Get out of your rut. Get off of my chest. Get into a hobby, but stop making that hobby people, especially because you enjoy treating them like disposables.

I DO NOT feel guilty for this.

I'm tired. I am tired of keeping my mouth shut, but I am scared. I am scared that I will hurt your feelings. I can be brutal.

I am not just some whiny little kid who has issues like everyone else.
I am NOT codependent, no matter how HARD you try to make me.
I will not allow myself to feel vulnerable.
I AM NOT JUST A LITTLE GIRL SO STOP TREATING ME LIKE ONE.

Don't give me grief for this, like I know you will.

New Netbook

I wanted to check out my webcam and mic skills of my new netbook, so I made a vlog::

Ramblings

Pizza!

 

Wondrous World

Note this:
Monday, March 21, 2011 4:36pm Drianna Zeni sang exactly one musical phrase from The Little Mermaid to me in the post produciton room at Ram TV.

My life is now complete.

Square One.

I want to scream.
I can't. It is Saturday morning, people are sleeping.
Three years. Three years of grueling education.  What is there to show for it?
Certainly nothing of substance.  A piece of paper, cords, sashes, and a stupid trophy to hang a medal on.
What does it even matter? No.One.Cares.
No one cares about the perfect grades, perfect attendance, or the perfect record. 
I'm at square one.
College has served me no purpose.
The only thing I've learned is how to complain on a blog.

If I could turn this text into speech, turn this bitterness into laughter, my life would be where I've wanted it to be. But I haven't.


Maybe I will.

Anticipatingly: An adverb, not a real word.

No matter how hard I anticipatingly cringe, the shatter pierces just as deep.

Therein lies my question:
                                
                      Live in fear of loss or love in life of presence?

Preparedness strips of freedom, impulsion weakens defenses.
I can never find happiness in a medium, only in a combination of their extreme:

Frozen ice cream melted on a hot fudge brownie.
Wearing a warm fuzzy blanket in front of a fan blowing cyclones.
Thinking while sleeping.

Living in fear prevents heartache,

as well as freedom.

Home Phone.

Who has a home phone these days.Who.
Who decided that your name being in your e-mail was lame.
Who said, "Don't laugh loud, be aware of your surroundings."
Who said that certain words shouldn't be laughed at.

I don't have a home phone.
I have my name in my e-mail.
I laugh loud.
I laugh loud and hard at certain words.
Who is stupid.